UberNerds Untie! Uh, ... I mean, Unite!

Starter for 10

David Nicholls

Villard

So, it's been awhile since I admitted to anything completely ridiculous on this blog. You know that I have naughty thoughts about Bruce Campbell and yes, I'm still watching NASCAR even though Junior is out of the Chase (I have some thoughts about him too!) Are you ready for something new? Well, when I was in high school, I participated in what was, at the time, the most socially suicidal of teen activities. That's right geeks, I was on my school's Reach for the Top team. And I loved EVERY minute of it.

I'd like to think that I only qualified for semi-geekdom. I mean, unlike a couple of my teammates, I could not quote at random from either Fawlty Towers or Python's Meaning of Life. Like the hero from Starter for 10 (who played on his university's equivalent of RFTT) I was a voracious reader, I flirted with leftist philosophies and I went to school hoping to escape the circumstances of life in a small town.

I quite enjoyed this novel and it a lot of ways, the narrative reminded me a great deal of Nick Hornby's writing. The characters were well drawn and in spots, the story was so achingly real that it was hard to read. My only criticism of the book was that it read more like a screenplay, in parts, than an actual novel. Three challenging trivia questions out of five.

Only This and Nothing More

The Pale Blue Eye
Louis Bayard
Harper Perennial

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore (back issues of The Economist do count as quaint and curious, right?), while I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping (as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my condo door.) "Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my condo door. Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the warm September and ... okay ... enough. I don't think I can keep this up for the whole entry. If you haven't figured it out from the borrowed verse, this week's novel, The Pale Blue Eye, features a very young, and very melancholic Edgar Allen Poe as one of the main characters. Poe has been enlisted by the protagonist -- a wily, but retired, New York City constable -- to help investigate a series of gruesome murders at the West Point Military Academy. Like all great historical whodunits, The Pale Blue Eye if full of mayhem, murk, and melodrama, and Bayard skillfully keeps his readers guessing until the very end.

I have to be honest -- I didn't have a lot of expectations going into this book. Poe is such a huge figure in the American literary landscape/collective imagination that I was quite apprehensive as to how his character would be drawn. Would Poe be just another gimmick/tool to sell more books? It turns out that I needn't have worried. Bayard masterfully uses Poe's own themes, tropes and tone to somehow channel the spirit of the long-dead poet. Four shadowy ravens out of five.

You Have Entered ... the Twilight Zone

The Twilight Watch

Sergei Lukyanenko

Anchor Canada

Sigh. Have you ever read a book that you just didn't want to end? So much so that you procrastinated finishing the novel because you weren't ready to say goodbye to either the characters or the world in which they live? Yeah -- so that's the story as to why I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks -- I've been in mourning for Anton and the rest of his crazy gang.

In terms of pure storytelling, I thought this installment was the most engaging of the three novels in Lukyanenko's series. While it was also broken into three separate "tales", this novel seemed less jumpy than the other two and it felt more like I was reading a complete narrative. Despite the fact that Anton was the protagonist in each of the stories, other characters in the text were more fully developed and I felt that by the end of the trilogy Lukyanenko had truly developed an alternate reality with all the working parts.

I have to admit to also being intrigued by the author's use of allegory. He says a lot about geopolitics, humanism, Russian culture, archetypes, etc, and in some ways, the complexity of his text reminds me of Spenser's Faerie Queene or Dante's Inferno. You know ... those really long poems that you refused to read in high school. Three point five Redcrosse Knights out of five.

Anderson Cooper's Got Nothin' on Me...

In the past few months, a number of people have asked me where they can find other examples of my writing. I'm not sure if they're asking to be polite, if they are bored with reading about books, or if they genuinely think that I have some talent (see pic.) Whatever the reason, I'm sad to say that for the most part, the blog's the thing.

There are a couple of exceptions ... I will admit to being a sporadic correspondent with some far flung friends. Quite honestly, I absolutely adore everything about the letter writing process. Picking the appropriate stationery for my mood, striking the right balance between asking and sharing, walking to the park to drop it in the post -- it's just such a wonderful experience. And yeah, I know it's old fashioned and inefficient, but there's something so delicious about receiving notes in well-traveled, slightly tattered envelopes. At least I think so.

The other exception is my journal. Every once in awhile, something compels me to capture an idea, copy out a line of text, or sort out on paper what's going on in my head. Usually, my journal is epistolic and the entries are addressed to an unnamed reader. This implied audience changes from entry to entry depending on my mood. What doesn't change is that as soon as my journal is full, I destroy it. As a kid, I'd have secret burning ceremonies where I'd toss the book into the fire pit at the cottage. Now, I'm a little less melodramatic and just run pages through the shredder. So satisfying.

In fact, the whole idea of this blog has been a little weird for me. Knowing that there's a possibility that someone other than myself will read the post has definitely changed the way that I write, and in some ways, it has made my writing less honest. For those of you that are paying attention, I'm sure some of the real me shows through -- I thought, however, that for a change a pace, I'd give you an uncensored example of that other girl. The one you don't hear from very often. And as evidenced below, probably with good reason ...

Untitled

If I were Wordsworth, I would describe your beauty in simple terms
And ask that intercessions by my fervent tongue please you, not make you sad
If I were Shakespeare, I would celebrate our love
And as Capulet and Montague, we would shine brightly for a moment, then blaze across the sky like a falling star
If I were Donne, I would die a thousand little deaths
And ask which quarrels move, though you and I do love.

But I am none of those men and my words are as unfathomable to me as standing stones.
You are the field in which they lie -- trying to find meaning.

Darling Nikki

In the Cut

Susanna Moore

Vintage

While I wouldn't exactly describe myself as particularly well-read, I will admit that I consciously try to maintain an open mind when it comes to selecting titles. If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you'll notice that I prefer fiction to non-fiction, I've got a decidedly unhealthy relationship with fantasy literature, and aside from the occasional memoir, I'm not much for biography.

One of the genres that has been suspiciously absent from my repertoire has been erotica. I'm not sure why it hasn't made the queue (might be the recovering Lutheran in me,) but in the same way that I've never watched a porn flick, smut, as my mother terms it, has never held much appeal. Imagine my surprise, then, when I found myself quite engaged by In the Cut -- an erotic crime novel set in Giuliani's NYC.

I will not mince words -- the narrator (a cunning linguist) was, at times, quite vulgar. There are no euphemisms for the sex act in this novel -- just raw, dirty words. Maybe it's because the narrator was a woman, but I didn't feel that the female gender was being objectified by the text. In fact, from a characterization perspective, this book is the perfect foil for Chandler's depiction of the sexes. The women in Moore's novel are complicated, well-drawn and curiously detached. The men, on the other hand, are willful creatures controlled by passions and motivated by desire. The inversion of standard sexual convention was quite intriguing and to be candid the ending to this novel was brilliantly done. I'm not sure if I'll come back to this genre any time soon, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself. Three anima/animus out of five.

Still Looking for Mr. Right

The Righteous Men

Sam Bourne

Penguin

A few weeks ago, my best friend and I decided to catch the latest Jet Li movie and grab a burger at our favourite diner in the west end. As usual, we didn't plan it very well and had time to kill between the end of our meal and the start of the show. Instead of going to the movieplex to play air hockey and spend pots of money on overpriced video games, we ended up at the bookstore.

For Peter, I think it was a fairly worthwhile trip. He managed to spend a half an hour in front of the Ian Rankin section and eventually came away from the shop with a couple of good reads. Unfortunately, the literary gods were not as kind to me and stuck me with what I can only describe as a complete dud.

I struggled to get through this novel. The writing was bad, the story was implausible, and with the number of redundant technology explanations included within the text, I can only conclude that the author assumed his audience would be made up of either Luddites or octogenarians (okay, okay ... and maybe also my dad.) While I will admit to liking crazy Messianic cult stories as much as the next person, they have to be, at a minimum, interesting cult stories. The Righteous Men wasn't remotely engaging and it has the dubious distinction of being the first work reviewed on this blog that I'm going to tell you not to read. Zero mitzvahs out of five.

What a Dick!

The Lady in the Lake

Raymond Chandler

Vintage Crime

How is it that, until quite recently, I was probably the only person on the planet who'd never heard of Raymond Chandler? Oh ... so that's not ringing any bells for you either? Forget Chandler, then, what if I said Philip Marlowe? That's right, movie buffs, I've finally been introduced the literary version of one of the greatest detectives of all time.

According to my friend Russ, The Lady in the Lake is not a terribly good novel. In fact, he had actually recommended another of Chandler's works, but the book shop in Ottawa didn't have it in stock. As it turns out, I'm quite glad because I actually loved this story. The plot is dead (pun intended) simple -- two wives go missing from a remote cabin nestled in the mountains outside of LA. One of them (Marlowe's not sure which one) is discovered at the bottom of a lake. Was it murder? Suicide? A tragic accident? Marlowe doesn't really care -- he's paid to ask questions and solve cases and that's where his interest ends.

What I liked best about this novel had to be how it was told. As I was reading, the voice in my head sounded very much like a radio drama -- lots of dialogue, short, descriptive sentences and just the right amount of mood. I could "hear" Marlowe speaking -- it was almost as if I was looking out at the world through his eyes and hearing his voice from inside his head. Sublime. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'll definitely be coming back to Chandler over the course of the next few months. The Lady, in this case, is definitely a ten.

And the Survey Says .... (with apologies to Richard Dawson)

An Opening Act of Unspeakable Evil

Jim Munroe

No Media Kings

Okay, blog readers, I gotta know ... would it bug you if I wrote about you on this blog? I know that I've already made some specific references to friends and family in these posts, but I haven't really spilled anything juicy. My mind has been occupied lately with thoughts about the collision of public and private space, where the boundaries are, and what rules can be applied to private thoughts in a public forum. More significantly, what are the moral implications of me writing about all of you without your permission? Hmmmm ....

Funnily enough, the heroine of this week's novel is facing the same dilemma. Kate registers a website (roommatefromhell.com) and dishes on the comings and goings of her ritual chanting, pentagram drawing housemate. A recovering yuppie, Kate is so fascinated by Lilith's otherworldliness that she asks her to perform her ritual as a performance piece at a gallery opening. The show goes so well that the two girls decide to take the act on the road and while on tour, they eventually evolve into the opening act for a rock band called the Everenders.

Part bildungsroman, part blog, An Opening Act of Unspeakable Evil is chock-a-block full of ideas that make a reader pause and think. Where is the line between private and public? What "qualifies" as Outsider Art? Can you ever really trust a narrator? What does it mean when life imitates art? I like books that make me ask a lot of questions. I'm going to give this one 2.5 stars out of 5.

My Boyfriend’s Back

Black Order
James Rollins
Harper

So, for those of you who are following along, I’ve got good news. My boyfriend’s back. That’s right, Grayson Pierce and I hooked up in Copenhagen this past weekend and I have to say, he was as, uh, enigmatic and energetic as ever.

This time, Gray managed to suck me into some kind of post-Nazi Übermensch drama. We originally went to Denmark to attend an auction (I had my eye on a Bible that once belonged to Charles Darwin) and all of a sudden, the bookshop that we were exploring went up in flames. Not that I’m complaining, my boy has skills, but I’m kinda getting tired of being shot at when I’m in his company. Maybe I should rethink this relationship.

Anyway, after a narrow escape, he whisked me away on a private jet to South Africa where we came face-to-face with a creepy Himmler type who had used his millions to fund his own gene modification/evolution project. Of course, Grayson blamed it all on me and my interest in that darn Bible. Apparently someone had hidden a clue in the book and our Himmler friend needed it to solve the riddle of his evolution device. Sounds complicated, right? Good thing Grayson has brains as well as looks …

Much like our first encounter, time spent with the boy was, well, curiously satisfying. I wonder where he’ll take me on our next date. Forget where … I’m even wondering when the next one will be. I have to say, dating an international man of mystery certainly has its disadvantages. The sex is quite good though. I’d say he gets a four out of five. There’s always room for improvement.

Crap Alert - Boys, Please Skip this Post

The Secret Diaries of Miss Miranda Cheever

Julia Quinn

Harper Collins

There has been a LOT of stuff going on in my personal life lately and I've been in a pissy mood as a result. After the ritualized torture of a session with my personal trainer this weekend, I wandered (okay, limped) over to the bookstore to see what I could find to improve my mood. Bad idea. Nothing spoke to me. I've blogged elsewhere about how books tend to choose me, but on Saturday morning, nothing or nobody was calling my name.

Since it is sacrilege to go away from my Happy Place empty-handed, I decided to try an old stand-by and I made my way over to the romance section. That's right, loyal readers, I picked up a Regency romance. The Secret Diaries of Miss Miranda Cheever follows the classic Regency formula:

• Girl meets boy and falls in love
• Boy is an entirely inappropriate choice
• Girl and boy end up hitting the sheets and girl's virtue is compromised
• Boy's honour forces them to marry
• Girl and boy have a falling out
• Boy and girl have an epiphany that they are destined to be together
• Girl and boy kiss and make up and live happily ever after in a manor house with a whack of children, some optional hunting dogs, and a lot of money

Why reading this crap cheers me up I have no idea. I think we'd probably have to pay a therapist a lot of money to figure it out. At any rate, Miss Miranda and her diaries held true to form. Maybe it's the comfort of the no-surprise ending. Maybe it's the old fashioned idea of a gentleman being bound by his honour. Maybe it's just the sex scenes (remember ... no boyfriend here.) Maybe it's the fact that when I dropped the novel in the tub when I was startled by the phone, I just didn't care. Whatever the reason, Miss Miranda didn't disappoint and helped me shed my gloomies. One pathetic star out of five.

Rainy Days and Sundays

The Day Watch

Sergei Lukyanenko

Anchor Canada

It's mid-afternoon Sunday and as I type this, I find myself seated in the lounge at the Island Airport waiting to catch a flight to Ottawa. I know it seems a little weird to be heading to Ottawa so early in the day, but it actually works out for me. You see ... I HATE Sundays. Absolutely detest them. I despise the feeling of dread that seems to linger like a black cloud over my day -- there's always so much to do; laundry, packing, running, friending, cleaning, writing -- and it all needs to get done before I head out on the road for another week. Traveling earlier the day means that when I get to where I'm going, I can actually relax and enjoy a few hours of solitude without the pressure of an unloaded dishwasher or an unmade phone call bringing me down. Between the lounge, the plane, and the time spent at the hotel, I tend to read a lot on Sundays and it is pretty much guilt free. Gotta like that.

Last week on the trip to Ottawa I started the next installment in the Night Watch series. I'll admit it -- I'm addicted. In this novel, there is less focus on Anton (although he is still a major character) and we are introduced more thoroughly to some of the Dark players in the game. What struck me in particular about this volume was Lukyanenko's use of setting to enhance/advance the story. After reading these books, I desperately want to go to Russia. Even in translation, he writes so effectively about place that Moscow seems to jump off the page. In some ways, it has a similar feel to the way Dumas describes Paris in The Three Musketeers.

If I had one criticism of the novel it would be the multiple story format. I'm not sure how these were originally published in the late 90s, but for the English editions, each book has a number of related tales that focus on different characters. Had I been the editor for the series, I might have been inclined to combine all of the stories into one bigger tale and identify different narrators for different "chapters". Some work would have had to be done to adjust the chronology, but it might have made the novel a little more consumable/interesting. Regardless, The Day Watch gets three point five werewolves out of five. Oh yeah, and for those of you who care ... the next novel, The Twilight Watch, has already been purchased. It's going to take me a few weeks to get to it though ... I need a break from my new friends. My boyfriend Grayson (remember him?) is getting jealous.

The Wanderer

Kiss the Sunset Pig

Laurie Gough

Penguin

Hmmm ... I think it's about time for another blog-inspired confession. Call me weird, but in addition to Joaquin Phoenix, fantasy novels, and CBC Radio One, I love road trips. Short ones, long ones -- it doesn't matter. Put me in a car, give me some sunshine, some tunes (and some junk food) and I am a very happy girl.

This past spring, some friends and I flew to San Francisco where we made our way to the coast and drove part of the PCH. At Cambria, we cut across the state and picked up Route 66 in Barstow. What a trip! Who knew the Mother Road could be so much fun? I kissed a wild burro in an old mining town, sat on a giant fibreglass jackrabbit somewhere in the desert, stood on the corner of Winslow, Arizona, and saw a million winking fireflies while jogging down a country road outside of Tulsa. Oh yeah ... we can't forget the evening spent getting ridiculously drunk at a biker bar named The Birdcage. Ah ... good times.

In Kiss the Sunset Pig, Laurie Gough, (a girl from Guelph) leaves her Canadian hometown to drive across America with the goal of finding herself (both spiritually and physically) in California. Along the way, she meets some friends, has some adventures and recalls earlier versions of herself that she discovered while traveling to other, more exotic, places in the world. The narrative is smart, funny, introspective, and not so personal that a reader can't relate. Her commentary on the differences between Canadians and Americans is particularly astute. Having spent a great deal of time south of the border, I don't buy into all of the stereotypes either. Three Steak and Shakes out of five.

The evil that men do lives after them;
the good is oft interred with their bones

Map of Bones
James Rollins
Avon

I met my latest boyfriend, Grayson Pierce, in transit. I was on my way home from Ottawa and he had been sent by the Vatican (and US special ops) to investigate a mysterious murder/theft from a cathedral in Germany. Our romance was fast-paced -- we hit five different countries in less than a week and it was mere hours after our chance encounter that I was up to my neck in spies, cults, cardinals and religious artifacts. I might have protested, but ... well, he was hot and it's not like I had anything better to do ...

Okay, so back to reality. Unfortunately for me, Grayson's not really my boyfriend. Sigh. I know -- you're completely stunned. He is, however, the lead character in Rollins' fast-paced, Ludlumesque thriller about an underground society that steals the bones of the three magi in an attempt to solve a centuries-old alchemical riddle. Throw in a bunch of murders, some special forces personal, corrupt church officials, and a psychotic grandma and you have a fairly brief (but accurate) synopsis of both plot and characterization.

I liked it. So much so, that I even recommended it to my dad. Map of Bones was a fine example of what I described earlier as True Grit Lit. If I am ever stuck in an airport without something to read, I won't think twice about picking up another Rollins' novel. Three shrouds of mystery out of five

No Spoiler Here

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

J.K. Rowling

Raincoast Books

Like pretty much everyone else on the planet, I got the latest Harry Potter the day it was released. Unlike most of Harry's devoted following, I didn't tuck into it right away. I know ... what the hell was I thinking when I agreed to go up north to visit my parents? It's not like I didn't know that the book was going to be released -- kinda hard to miss the hype.

Anyway, I did get the opportunity to get it started the following Sunday. I gathered some interesting stats over the course of the day -- seven people (three adults and four kids) in the Porter lounge had the book open on their laps. At dinner, three patrons other than myself were alternately munching and turning pages. (Curiously, we were all eating pasta that you could stab with one hand.) On the walk home, I spotted four pedestrians who were living quite dangerously by walking and reading.

It made me wonder -- what is it about these books that make them have such broad appeal? Is it because people are finally waking up to the fact that fantasy is a "legitimate" genre? Nah, I don't think that's it -- the legion of Jordan and Tolkien fans would be apoplectic-- good fantasy has been around for decades. Is it because, like Star Wars, the Potter books treat the archetypal theme of good vs. evil in a new and interesting way? Yeah, that might be it. But really, part of the appeal for me is that the complexity and maturity of Rowling's writing seemed to keep pace with the growth of her characters. Every year that Harry, Ron and Hermione got older, I found that the novels became a little more complex, a little darker and a whole lot more conflicted. Kind of like most of the teenagers I know.

Five soaring Thestrals out of five.

Dave -- This One's 4 U

Breakfast of Champions

Kurt Vonnegut

Delta

A couple of months ago, a friend asked me if I had ever read Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions. I was ashamed to admit that I hadn't and agreed to post my review of the book on this blog.

Vonnegut, if you haven't read him, is brilliant. He's also, as I am finding here, difficult to describe. Reading a Vonnegut novel is kind of like being a stranger in a strange land. The reader is never too sure of the rules of the narrative and as such, can't rush to judgement or conclusions. Often, as in Breakfast of Champions, Vonnegut uses the elements/conventions of science fiction to dislocate his readers and force them to construct/consider an entirely new world view.

In this novel (which apparently he wrote to celebrate his 5oth birthday) we are introduced to Dwayne Hoover -- a mentally ill, self-made man from the Mid West who owns car dealerships, restaurant franchises, and the local Holiday Inn. Dwayne's chemical imbalance causes him to have a psychotic break (he suspects everyone else in the world is a robot) and he goes on a rampage beating his lover, his son, and a host of other innocent bystanders.

The interesting twist in this novel is how Vonnegut blurs the line between creator and created. Vonnegut is at once the author, the narrator and a "real-time" character in the novel who manipulates the narrative to his own advantage. He "drops in" on his creation and hangs out in the lounge at the Holiday Inn, watching his characters in action, and thinking up new things for them to see/do. The overt parallels between Vonnegut and his deranged hero are also disturbing -- suicides, depression, middle age, the Mid West. Layered into that complexity is the presence of Kilgore Trout, the aging, somewhat distracted science fiction writer (some say Vonnegut's alter-ego) who, in some respects, facilitates Hoover's collapse. What does it all mean? I have no idea ... but it sure was fun to read. Three Heinlein's out of five

Lisa, vampires are make-believe like elves, gremlins and eskimos ...

The Night Watch

Sergei Lukyanenko

Anchor Canada

I know what you're thinking ... what is it with this girl and vampire novels? How many books about the undead can one person possibly read? Well, next to Dracula, this is probably the most imaginative, dislocating novel concerning vampires that I have ever read. Seriously.

Like all great fantasy novels, The Night Watch narrates the epic struggle between good and evil. In this case, the hero of the story is Anton, an IT geek, apprentice mage, and general warrior of the Light. Anton is also an "Other" -- part of an ancient race of humans who are compelled by their very nature to swear allegiance to either the Light or the Dark. While the balance of power between the factions is governed by a thousand-year old treaty, the uneasy truce is upset by the revelation that someone has been born that will reign supreme and plunge the world into the war to end all wars.

What differentiates the Light from the Dark is what made this novel so intriguing. The Light isn't always "good" -- it can be manipulative, sneaky, and vicious in how it supports its larger purpose. Those serving the Light are committed to serving others. Those serving the Dark are committed to serving themselves. It goes without saying that my reductive mind jumped immediately (and maybe erroneously) to Socialism versus Capitalism, Community versus the Individual, East versus West. Ain't allegory grand? I really enjoyed this novel and once I get the new Harry Potter out of the way, I see the second book in the series, The Day Watch, becoming my traveling companion over the next week or so. Four shape-shifters out of five.

The Case of the Disappearing Entry

Labyrinth

Kate Mosse

Orion

Okay, so a few of you have sent emails asking me what happened to the last post. Well, um, er, shuffle ... I actually took it down and, uh, deleted it. Honestly, it was total crap and I was kinda embarrassed when I put it out there in the first place.

For whatever reason, I've really struggled to find something interesting to say about this book. To be fair, Labyrinth was a decent summer/beach/cottage read. The story revolves around a young woman who, while volunteering on an archaeological dig in France, inadvertently discovers a hidden cave that holds the secret to the holy grail. Think the DaVinci Code meets Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

The book, while quite long, moved along at a good clip and there were a couple of surprises in terms of plot. What I didn't like about the story, was the poor/flat characterization -- the author very much leaned on stereotypes to construct her narrative. Again, as a beach read that's okay. As a potentially more interesting piece of historical fiction about the Cathars, the grail, and medieval France, not so much. Two wooden cups out of five.

That Isn't Writing; It's Typing

On the Road

Jack Kerouac

Penguin Classics

Well, hipsters, I have finally read Kerouac's classic post-war American novel. It took me the better part of a week to get through it and, to be candid, I'm unsure if it was worth the effort. I didn't understand a damn thing. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I was definitely expecting it to blow me away and, well, it didn't.

For the uninitiated, Kerouac's story (told in a sort of groovy stream-of-consciousness) is narrated by Sal Paradise, a fledgling student/writer, who likes jazz, drugs and very young women. Sal yearns to live in a world without rules and one of the ways in which he expresses his rebelliousness is to take to the road. With very few dollars in his pocket, Sal travels across America -- meeting up with friends, making it with girls, and generally seeking out the margins of society. Central to the novel is Sal's friendship with the iconic Dean Moriarty. Dean is a drug-addled, two-timing con man who is unable to commit to anything but the vision he has of himself. He is altogether unlikeable, yet infinitely interesting and Sal is drawn to him despite the terrible things that he does.

Why did I have such a problem with this novel? Maybe because Sal's celebration of "life on the road" was often punctuated by dependence on the very conventions that he sought to reject. His adventures (unlike Dean's) seem little more than an occasional foray into a forbidden world. He always had a safety net (his aunt in New Jersey, his GI benefits) and it seemed that while he tried to live on the edge, it was always a low risk proposition. Sal was, what my friends in the 80s would have called a "poser"; a watcher who collected someone else's stories and tried to live them as if they were his own.

Putting my dislike of the characters aside, Kerouac's writing is brilliant and the novel is worth reading if only for the beauty of his prose. I came across a couple of new (I guess old!) names for certain drugs in the book and I have to give him props for his use of the word "hincty." And no, I'm not going to tell you what it means. Three juke joints out of five.

A Bouquet of Alarming Aphorisms

Horseradish - Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Lemony Snicket
Harper Collins

Daniel Handler strikes again! Horseradish - Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid is a collection of oddly funny, yet slightly depressing aphorisms from the author of the Series of Unfortunate Events. Reading it started me to wonder ... why is it that the bookstore, which is most definitely my "happy place", the source of such angst, sadness and depression in my imaginative life?

I mean, really, just look at the books I have reviewed in the past few months. Why don't people want to write, read and/or publish happy stories? Or is it just me and I am drawn to books with heavy themes like death, war, pestilence and strife? I have liked, if not loved, quite a number of the novels that I have read since starting this blog and I would like to know what, exactly, this says about me. Maybe I should be worried ... Sigh.

Okay, so back to Handler for a moment. His little book of wit and wisdom is divided into thirteen (noticing a trend?) chapters. In each, he offers up a few "kernels of dread" that can inspire or deflate -- depending on the mood of the reader. I will leave you with my favourite and the one that I think, perhaps, is the most true.

It is one of life's bitterest

truths that bedtime so often

arrives just when things are

really getting interesting.

Wanking in the Attic

Apples
Richard Milward
Faber and Faber

Meet Adam and Eve -- two blue-collar kids growing up in the Middlesbrough estates. Adam is a slightly OCD Beatlemaniac who regularly gets beaten up by his dad, has few friends, and is trying desperately to break out of geekdom. Eve is a beautiful, but bored young woman, who spends her weekends going to clubs, getting high, and finding cute boys for snogging and sex. They are both fifteen.

According to other reviewers, Milward's portrayal of Adam and Eve is an accurate depiction of teenage life in the working class areas of northern England. Date rape, teenage pregnancy, underage drinking, domestic violence -- this book had it all. Despite the heaviness of the material, however, I often found myself laughing at the antics of the main characters. The episode where Adam gets caught masturbating to his father's 80's copy of a Razzle magazine still has me giggling.

So, why the title? Well, aside from the obvious, I think the book is supposed to be about temptation, how to deal with it, and what happens when you fail. I think it's also about gaining knowledge, learning the good from the bad, and figuring out how to recover when you choose poorly. While the circumstances and location may be slightly different (it was acid and hot knives in my day ... not poppers and tac) I think everyone can identify with Adam and Eve and that's what makes this book so appealing. Three tempting serpents out of five.